I absolutely LOVE science and it fascinates me no end. I an intrigued by all the new learnings we see every day. Nanotechnology is my latest craze/love. I watch DVDs of Darwin's theory of evolution and watch all the wonders of our complex body. It is amazing! There are so many answers to so many questions.
And then I sit down to say my prayers. Here is a God I love and I know loves me. I can't explain anything. The questions grow and the answers are few. Is there really a God? Didn't the scientists explain everything very logically ?
I shake my head. I know in my heart that God takes care of me. The incidents in my life have been sorted out too many times without anything from my end for it to be a co-incidence. I have turned to Him in my hours of need, and I have felt my worries lift away.
I don't know how to explain. I probably cannot convince a non believer and the non believer cannot convince me. Life experiences outweigh all the things I hear from others. Being blessed with a son with Asperger's has its own rewards. Its tough and there are times I go crazy and even wish I was dead. But when I turn to Him who is Lord of all things, I realise I just need to grow my trust. I count my blessings and know that I was not let down.
Does my faith mean I discard/disregard all that science can teach me. Definitely not! That would be like being an ostrich burying its face in the sand. I enjoy the knowledge. I love how we study different aspects of the universe and come up with theories/experiments/conclusions. To me every discovery just goes to show how little we know about the majesty of God.
So do I think that science will prove there is no God. I don't know. The way I see things, I believe that science will one day prove the existence of God. After all God is an artistic scientist who knows everything and created us in His image. We recognize artists/scientists in the pattern of their work. As I read, to me evolution shows me a pattern in which I can always recognize the pattern of God as and artist/scientist or anything else I may care to think of.
After all, the brainiest/greatest scientist of all times said -
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
The most precious thing I can give ...
... is time. Every day I realize how precious the moments that make up life are - my family and friends make demands on it and of course my work requires a fair share of it and of course I want some for myself to be selfish in.
There was a time when money was the hardest thing to give away but today, its time. We are a society driven consciously or subconsciously with a desire to do what we want in the time we have. Parents travel at the cost of the time with kids, people give gifts to substitute their time. The world today is slowly becoming a place where we ask people around us to take a back seat for things that we consider more important - work, TV, games .. the list goes on.
I am guilty of all the above. When my child comes and asks me for something while I am trying to get my work done, I barely pay attention. I mechanically nod and answer while I continue with my job which I should have shut down 2 hours back. I'm watching a movie and my kid comes over and asks a question to which I respond hastily and if the questions persist, I quickly pull him up on the couch with me and ask him to watch the movie. Thankfully I like "G" rated movies. :-).
I have become more conscious about these subconscious responses of mine. I am blessed with children who don't hesitate to speak their mind. My 6 year old doesn't think twice about telling me "Mom, you never listen when I have to say something" which of course triggers all my "guilt hormones" and the next 10 minutes are dedicated to my child. The good thing about me reacting this way is that while initially it was triggered by guilt, I realized it is getting easier for me to focus on what he has to say. I realize that I am blessed that my children can talk to me the way they do. I can't say I like listening to it because of course I don't want to be anything short of perfect and in lieu thereof, no one should tell me I am not.
My children will grow up and be gone. If I don't build my relationship with them, I won't have anything later. My friends will fade away if I don't take the time to let them know how special they are or if I am not there for them when they need me. The times I could enjoy bringing up the kids with my husband will go and we will not be able to share much as time goes by. Work will always be there and we are not indispensable. Movies and shows I could watch any time. Then shouldn't I be giving the most precious thing I have to people whom I care about the most ?
There was a time when money was the hardest thing to give away but today, its time. We are a society driven consciously or subconsciously with a desire to do what we want in the time we have. Parents travel at the cost of the time with kids, people give gifts to substitute their time. The world today is slowly becoming a place where we ask people around us to take a back seat for things that we consider more important - work, TV, games .. the list goes on.
I am guilty of all the above. When my child comes and asks me for something while I am trying to get my work done, I barely pay attention. I mechanically nod and answer while I continue with my job which I should have shut down 2 hours back. I'm watching a movie and my kid comes over and asks a question to which I respond hastily and if the questions persist, I quickly pull him up on the couch with me and ask him to watch the movie. Thankfully I like "G" rated movies. :-).
I have become more conscious about these subconscious responses of mine. I am blessed with children who don't hesitate to speak their mind. My 6 year old doesn't think twice about telling me "Mom, you never listen when I have to say something" which of course triggers all my "guilt hormones" and the next 10 minutes are dedicated to my child. The good thing about me reacting this way is that while initially it was triggered by guilt, I realized it is getting easier for me to focus on what he has to say. I realize that I am blessed that my children can talk to me the way they do. I can't say I like listening to it because of course I don't want to be anything short of perfect and in lieu thereof, no one should tell me I am not.
My children will grow up and be gone. If I don't build my relationship with them, I won't have anything later. My friends will fade away if I don't take the time to let them know how special they are or if I am not there for them when they need me. The times I could enjoy bringing up the kids with my husband will go and we will not be able to share much as time goes by. Work will always be there and we are not indispensable. Movies and shows I could watch any time. Then shouldn't I be giving the most precious thing I have to people whom I care about the most ?
If you want to make good use of your time, you’ve got to know what’s most important and then give it all you’ve got.
--- Lee Iacocca
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Socializing is stressful
All around us we find people who seem to have an easy time getting along with others. We see the laugh and joke and talk about a million things. If you see me around my friends, that's exactly how I would look to you. I love being around my friends and enjoy people for most part.
When my son was diagnosed with autism and I was told that he was a loner and would probably never have a lot of friends, I was heartbroken. I couldn't imagine him going through life without friends.
I was asked to go to a social business meeting. The people in the meeting were folks I dealt with in the normal course of my work. I knew them by name and I was respected for my work. In spite of this, I felt really uncomfortable. I did not know these people for who they were and vice-versa. My conversations and smiles were an act put on. The discomfort I felt was stifling. I felt trapped. The hour and half I was in this social gathering was hard. The people were nice but the discomfort I felt at being forced to socialize was tiring. I was exhausted by the time I left and had a headache.
For the first time it actually hit me what my son went through. How hard it was for him to deal with all the social pressures and to come out of his comfort zone. As he grows, he is dealing well with all the social nuances. His school/teachers provide him with strategies to cope and he is handling it beautifully. I'm seeing him blossom and loving it.
Today when I see someone having a hard time fitting in or being shy, I go out of my way to include them. As I have done that, I have found myself gaining confidence in social situations and being able to deal better. While its still a huge deal for me to be among people I barely know, I am learning to be more comfortable with myself and them. In helping others, I am learning, I am helping myself most of all.
When my son was diagnosed with autism and I was told that he was a loner and would probably never have a lot of friends, I was heartbroken. I couldn't imagine him going through life without friends.
I was asked to go to a social business meeting. The people in the meeting were folks I dealt with in the normal course of my work. I knew them by name and I was respected for my work. In spite of this, I felt really uncomfortable. I did not know these people for who they were and vice-versa. My conversations and smiles were an act put on. The discomfort I felt was stifling. I felt trapped. The hour and half I was in this social gathering was hard. The people were nice but the discomfort I felt at being forced to socialize was tiring. I was exhausted by the time I left and had a headache.
For the first time it actually hit me what my son went through. How hard it was for him to deal with all the social pressures and to come out of his comfort zone. As he grows, he is dealing well with all the social nuances. His school/teachers provide him with strategies to cope and he is handling it beautifully. I'm seeing him blossom and loving it.
Today when I see someone having a hard time fitting in or being shy, I go out of my way to include them. As I have done that, I have found myself gaining confidence in social situations and being able to deal better. While its still a huge deal for me to be among people I barely know, I am learning to be more comfortable with myself and them. In helping others, I am learning, I am helping myself most of all.
Friday, April 12, 2013
I'm fat
That is one of the most common statements I hear from teenage girls and a lot of other women around me. Airbrushed, anorexic images of models have flooded the media and that has become a new standard. What makes being skinny more attractive than not. I've noticed that the clothes have become geared towards all bones and no flesh kind of bodies. They don't seem to fit correctly for most part and that makes one feel dowdy, fat and unattractive which feeds into the already poor self image that is being encouraged.
It is not necessary that all the clothes one wears should cling to the body to be attractive. I was looking at older pictures of how people dressed and the flowing skirts and dresses are pretty attractive. I'm not talking about the Victorian dresses that you couldn't get into without assistance but just regular clothes of the 1950s etc. Wearing regular classic for jeans are as attractive or if not more on most people than the skinny jeans being promoted. I've heard folks call the high waist jeans "mom" jeans. The practical aspect of it is if you buy a decent fit, you don't have the rolls jiggling about as it does on the low rise one and I would think these jiggling rolls is what makes one feel unattractive.
Its so important to dress the way that suits ones body frame, life style and personality. It will not only make a person feel more comfortable but will also promote the feeling of feeling good and contentment because one does not have to be a size 0 all the time.
It is not necessary that all the clothes one wears should cling to the body to be attractive. I was looking at older pictures of how people dressed and the flowing skirts and dresses are pretty attractive. I'm not talking about the Victorian dresses that you couldn't get into without assistance but just regular clothes of the 1950s etc. Wearing regular classic for jeans are as attractive or if not more on most people than the skinny jeans being promoted. I've heard folks call the high waist jeans "mom" jeans. The practical aspect of it is if you buy a decent fit, you don't have the rolls jiggling about as it does on the low rise one and I would think these jiggling rolls is what makes one feel unattractive.
Its so important to dress the way that suits ones body frame, life style and personality. It will not only make a person feel more comfortable but will also promote the feeling of feeling good and contentment because one does not have to be a size 0 all the time.
If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it.
~Albert Einstein
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Just do it
Nike got it and promoted it. Now its up to us to use it and live it. We go through life thinking about all the options we have and all that we want to do and never do it. I am not even talking about the bigger aspirations about making millions of dollars or saving the world. I'm talking about basic everyday things.
A friend was having a hard time at work. The boss was mean and disliked by peers and subordinates alike for her inconsiderate approach at work. However, no one wanted to step and file a formal complaint so action could be taken. Several students quietly endured ragging[hazing] to the point that someone eventually got badly injured, instead of speaking up about the atrocities done in the name of fun and getting to know the new students. Of course everybody talked about it with righteous indignation.
Follow Nike's tagline - Just do it. Unless your action renders you in a position of not being able to put food on the table for your family, just do it! Step up and stand for what you believe in. Prepare yourself in life to be able to do that. It is the biggest success you can have in life. No amount of money will give you the sense of freedom and contentment that standing by your principles and standing by what is right can bring. You can be your own boss even when working for someone else.
Save some of your money for that bright day where you were let go because you stood up for something. It will give you confidence and the rush you feel when you do what is right is satisfying and addictive. Do something to make life better for at least one person in your life that's not your family.
A friend was having a hard time at work. The boss was mean and disliked by peers and subordinates alike for her inconsiderate approach at work. However, no one wanted to step and file a formal complaint so action could be taken. Several students quietly endured ragging[hazing] to the point that someone eventually got badly injured, instead of speaking up about the atrocities done in the name of fun and getting to know the new students. Of course everybody talked about it with righteous indignation.
Follow Nike's tagline - Just do it. Unless your action renders you in a position of not being able to put food on the table for your family, just do it! Step up and stand for what you believe in. Prepare yourself in life to be able to do that. It is the biggest success you can have in life. No amount of money will give you the sense of freedom and contentment that standing by your principles and standing by what is right can bring. You can be your own boss even when working for someone else.
Save some of your money for that bright day where you were let go because you stood up for something. It will give you confidence and the rush you feel when you do what is right is satisfying and addictive. Do something to make life better for at least one person in your life that's not your family.
JUST DO IT
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
"Because I said so"
I grew up in an environment where "Because I told you so" was the answer to a lot of my "Why?"s. Since I believe I am a decent enough human being, I decided that was the perfect approach to bringing up my own children. My older one who has Asperger's constantly heard me saying that. After all I was him Mom and what I said was from all the things I have learnt in life and that is good enough for him to blindly obey. I would of course never do anything that would harm him. I am his mother after all!
I threatened and cajoled Sam into doing a lot of things. As he grew up, he grew more defiant. I was puzzled and ashamed. I must be a really bad parent if I could not make my kid listen to me. While my self esteem as a parent went downhill, my obsession with making Sam do what I said steadily climbed up.
Sam didn't talk till he was in first grade so the lack of feedback didn't help much either. He started the Asperger's program in second grade and had an extremely competent teacher who made it her business to make the children succeed. In the years that she was his teacher, she was my teacher too. As she shared her thoughts and concerns and hopes, I learnt. I was like a sponge because here was something that made sense. She didn't tell me I didn't know how to take care of my child but she did talk to me about various ways how kids think and how important it was to respect their thoughts and feelings. I never thought of the word respect when I thought of children. To me children were to be loved. I didn't think of associating the show of respect with the show of love.
As I learnt, I learned to swallow my pride and ask Sam to do things and explain why I asked him to. So now when I said "Sam, do your homework" and he looked at me, I elaborated further with "Once it gets done, you will have more time to play". That made logical sense to him. My child who thinks in "black and white", "no and yes" and for whom life is a logical puzzle, it is easier when he can fathom the whys of some request. To him, be honest doesn't have any circumstances surrounding it. Honesty means just that - speaking the truth at all times. You don't say "You look great" when someone doesn't just because it would hurt their feeling.
I was blessed with my second child and he was lucky that I had learnt the "Because I said so" was not the best way to teach the child to do right. I put in a lot of effort to change my thought process to accommodate this simple concept but it is totally worth it. Today i sometimes hear "Gosh, my mom shouts so loudly" instead of the quiet ignoring I used to get. I love it and it helps me to grow a bit when I have to swallow my ego and calm down. It definitely has "forced" me to be a better person. :) Mel Lazarus said it best in his comic strip -
I threatened and cajoled Sam into doing a lot of things. As he grew up, he grew more defiant. I was puzzled and ashamed. I must be a really bad parent if I could not make my kid listen to me. While my self esteem as a parent went downhill, my obsession with making Sam do what I said steadily climbed up.
Sam didn't talk till he was in first grade so the lack of feedback didn't help much either. He started the Asperger's program in second grade and had an extremely competent teacher who made it her business to make the children succeed. In the years that she was his teacher, she was my teacher too. As she shared her thoughts and concerns and hopes, I learnt. I was like a sponge because here was something that made sense. She didn't tell me I didn't know how to take care of my child but she did talk to me about various ways how kids think and how important it was to respect their thoughts and feelings. I never thought of the word respect when I thought of children. To me children were to be loved. I didn't think of associating the show of respect with the show of love.
As I learnt, I learned to swallow my pride and ask Sam to do things and explain why I asked him to. So now when I said "Sam, do your homework" and he looked at me, I elaborated further with "Once it gets done, you will have more time to play". That made logical sense to him. My child who thinks in "black and white", "no and yes" and for whom life is a logical puzzle, it is easier when he can fathom the whys of some request. To him, be honest doesn't have any circumstances surrounding it. Honesty means just that - speaking the truth at all times. You don't say "You look great" when someone doesn't just because it would hurt their feeling.
I was blessed with my second child and he was lucky that I had learnt the "Because I said so" was not the best way to teach the child to do right. I put in a lot of effort to change my thought process to accommodate this simple concept but it is totally worth it. Today i sometimes hear "Gosh, my mom shouts so loudly" instead of the quiet ignoring I used to get. I love it and it helps me to grow a bit when I have to swallow my ego and calm down. It definitely has "forced" me to be a better person. :) Mel Lazarus said it best in his comic strip -
"The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent."
Monday, March 25, 2013
Age
I'm proud to say that I still haven't felt many pangs of crossing over to the "old" side. The world is slowly becoming a place where common sense is being replaced by whatever is making the most noise. I was especially struck when I asked my son to help a lady much older with something and he asked why. I wanted to say that she's much older and needs the help. Knowing what I might hear from him, I said "When you see someone with gray hair help them" and he immediately shot back with "Mom, its rude to call someone old". I didn't know which corner on earth I should go to.
The reality is that we are conditioned by media about always looking and feeling young. We don't want anyone to call us old. Old is no longer a place where you could demand respect for the life you have already lived. It has become a word which means one step closer to the grave. Growing up, getting old was a way to be better respected, it meant you had lived and learned. I've had kids about 5-6 years younger than me call me "Aunty" in the traditional nature of conversations in the culture I am from because I am friends with their parents. This has not bothered me but when a peer has asked me my age and gives a smirk, it bothers me a whole lot more. I often wonder about that. I think it is the influence of my surrounding where "old" is not that great place to be and the fact that I constantly hear "I'm not that old".
Having said all that, I am young at heart. If you ask me what age I feel I'm at, I would say "college" age. I think I am kind of stuck there mentally. My hubby is the kind of person who couldn't care less what people thought of what I do, so that prevents my "maturing" process I think.
All said and done, I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to be young, to look good and feel good. I would personally hate to hang out with anyone who uses age as an excuse to talk about all kinds of aches and pains. I love challenging thoughts and opinions and would rather have a healthy discussion with anyone - young or old. The different perspectives are so interesting.
I love Mark Twain's quote about age and try to love by it -
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
--Mark Twain
Monday, March 18, 2013
Why Worry ??
The Bible says - Matthew 6:27-29
- Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.
To me, worry is one of the least useful emotions. It frustrates me no end because I claim to have a lot of faith in God but then seem to be only too happy to worry. How can I say I have faith and worry at the same time. I've noticed that worry doesn't really contribute much. I'd say fear does, but not worry. Fear keeps me safe but I am still trying to figure out what worry helps me with. When I worry, I constantly go over things in my head on what could be and of course the limit to the possibilities are only if I decide to set them. When my child steps out, I worry about the kind of influence the other people have on him. When he says he's not hungry, I worry about the disease that he could end up with because of the lack of some mineral or vitamin which thanks to the internet, I am acutely aware of. When he innocently asks a question about whether you need two parents to have a baby, I wonder who he has been talking to and what he has heard. I read all the road to "success" stories and worry if I'm over protecting or under protecting my child or whether I am encouraging or nagging, all depending on the latest trend of books I am reading. I worry when I lose weight because I wonder if its because of some kind of disease and I worry when I gain because of the disease that could come with being over-weight. If by chance I happen to stay at the same weight I fret over how my "controlled" diet doesn't help and my back problems are going to get worse.
My rant about worry makes me realize how pointless it is. I wish I could get beyond the worry to just enjoying life. I've tried a lot of things to get beyond the worry part of my thoughts. The one thing that has helped me tremendously is accepting who I am and accepting the people around me for what they are. We are not perfect but for us who try to attain perfectionism and failing to do so and also in our attempt, we try to impose it on others. We need to live and let live. After all worrying doesn't solve anything but the worrier can definitely make the life of people around them miserable.
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its
sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
what do I really want in life
There's no end to the list of things I think I should have - the perfect house, my van needs to have the DVD player in there, my laptop should be as light as a feather, beam technology so I don't have to spend hours at airports and in flights, lots of money so I could not only get the stuff I want but also be able to build homes for the less fortunate, a medical degree to help the poor who can't afford health care.. The list goes on.
Then I look at reality and realize how blessed I am. I have two healthy, loving kids who are fun [though there are times I can wish they were anywhere but next to me], I have a husband who surprisingly really cares about me and has the patience of a saint though I definitely wouldn't call him one, a home which I really like - not perfect but that I like, a van [yes, that is my dream vehicle] that I wish would seal out all the noise from outside, enough money so I don't have to depend on anyone and be able to help at least someone I want.. Well, I don't have a medical degree which I wish I had, but I'm glad I can settle for being an engineer with a job I love :). Not bad. Of all the things I want, I pretty much have it all in some degree, form or the other. In addition I am blessed with awesome friends, fun people I work with and most of all contentment.
So I concluded that the best thing to aim for in life is contentment. After all there will always be someone who will have something better than you but if you are content, you are too busy counting your blessings to worry about that. Of the many lessons I want to teach my children, I hope contentment is something they graduate in with flying colors.
Then I look at reality and realize how blessed I am. I have two healthy, loving kids who are fun [though there are times I can wish they were anywhere but next to me], I have a husband who surprisingly really cares about me and has the patience of a saint though I definitely wouldn't call him one, a home which I really like - not perfect but that I like, a van [yes, that is my dream vehicle] that I wish would seal out all the noise from outside, enough money so I don't have to depend on anyone and be able to help at least someone I want.. Well, I don't have a medical degree which I wish I had, but I'm glad I can settle for being an engineer with a job I love :). Not bad. Of all the things I want, I pretty much have it all in some degree, form or the other. In addition I am blessed with awesome friends, fun people I work with and most of all contentment.
So I concluded that the best thing to aim for in life is contentment. After all there will always be someone who will have something better than you but if you are content, you are too busy counting your blessings to worry about that. Of the many lessons I want to teach my children, I hope contentment is something they graduate in with flying colors.
Even though you have ten thousand fields,
you can eat no more than one measure of rice a day.
Even though your dwelling contains a hundred rooms,
you can use but eight feet of space a night.
--Chinese proverb
Friday, March 8, 2013
Being there is important
Its been more than 20 years now since I traveled to attend my cousin's graduation. The cousin I am talking about is more of a brother, someone I hold very dear. Has made me laugh a lot of times when I didn't know how. In fact to this day I always think of him when I get ready to turn off a comedy show because its slobbered in filth in an attempt to make it funny because he is a person who could make me laugh with the silliest of jokes and expressions. That's what I call talent since I used to be a pretty serious person - the kind who always felt there was always something to get done and no time to waste. :)
Coming back to my story, I was out of high school and the prospect of attending this adult function, out of town, in honor of someone I cared so much about was very exciting. I really didn't have much of a clue on what to expect except for what I had seen in movies which was always entertaining. Well, I sat back to enjoy the ceremony when one Professor came up to talk. I though it would never end. A friend of my cousin's offered to show me around and said we would be back at the right time to see the diplomas handed over. That sounded like a great idea. I was glad to escape all the talk and happy to know I'd be there to see the ceremony. I joyfully walked off and went around enjoying the campus.
When I got back, I found out I'd missed the entire ceremony. My Uncle and Aunt were furious. My cousin who graduated was really kind to me and I was miserable. When I say miserable, falling into a pile of dung on my way to a party seemed like heaven. I did all I could to hold back my tears because of course I couldn't cry. I used to be one of those people who thought tears were a sign of weakness. We went out for dinner but to me there was no joy any more. I wished and wished I had never come and then my brother would have never been hurt.
Needless to say, after that day I have never missed anything I went to for a loved one. I'd rather sit through everything than hurt someone I cared about. I come from a culture where we don't say sorry and thank you much. Our actions and demeanor show how we feel. I always prayed that he knew how sorry I felt. I know he forgave me because he let me still do everything that a sister's role needed for his wedding since he didn't have one. It meant a lot to me to be in that place and its one of the occasions I feel most honored.
I would do a lot to take back that mistake of mine. It made me realize how important it is to just be there for the people you love and share the joy with them. Sometimes its not our idea of fun, sometimes it might be for things we don't understand why its so important, but the fact that we were invited should show us that our presence brings the person joy and when we love someone, their joy would bring joy in us.
Coming back to my story, I was out of high school and the prospect of attending this adult function, out of town, in honor of someone I cared so much about was very exciting. I really didn't have much of a clue on what to expect except for what I had seen in movies which was always entertaining. Well, I sat back to enjoy the ceremony when one Professor came up to talk. I though it would never end. A friend of my cousin's offered to show me around and said we would be back at the right time to see the diplomas handed over. That sounded like a great idea. I was glad to escape all the talk and happy to know I'd be there to see the ceremony. I joyfully walked off and went around enjoying the campus.
When I got back, I found out I'd missed the entire ceremony. My Uncle and Aunt were furious. My cousin who graduated was really kind to me and I was miserable. When I say miserable, falling into a pile of dung on my way to a party seemed like heaven. I did all I could to hold back my tears because of course I couldn't cry. I used to be one of those people who thought tears were a sign of weakness. We went out for dinner but to me there was no joy any more. I wished and wished I had never come and then my brother would have never been hurt.
Needless to say, after that day I have never missed anything I went to for a loved one. I'd rather sit through everything than hurt someone I cared about. I come from a culture where we don't say sorry and thank you much. Our actions and demeanor show how we feel. I always prayed that he knew how sorry I felt. I know he forgave me because he let me still do everything that a sister's role needed for his wedding since he didn't have one. It meant a lot to me to be in that place and its one of the occasions I feel most honored.
I would do a lot to take back that mistake of mine. It made me realize how important it is to just be there for the people you love and share the joy with them. Sometimes its not our idea of fun, sometimes it might be for things we don't understand why its so important, but the fact that we were invited should show us that our presence brings the person joy and when we love someone, their joy would bring joy in us.
"Life brings simple pleasures to us every day. It is up to us to make them wonderful memories."
-- Cathy Allen
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Love a behaviour ?
The hardest thing to do I find is to be loving towards someone all the time. From my husband to children to friends, my emotions are on a roller coaster. In my down times I wish I did not have anyone and in my up swings I just thank God for these wonderful people in my life. No matter where I am on that swing, my love doesn't change but my behavior does.
My immediate family always bears the brunt on my mood swings. It is true, there is no place like home to let yourself go and that's what I tend to do. They have seen me at my worst and at my best. They have also seen me in my pretend best where right after I finish yelling at them, someone comes up to the door and I am all smiles. I often amaze myself at my acting abilities. If its someone I like at the door, its not acting any more. I actually like having them there and it really helps me calm down and I am almost back to my "normal" self when they leave. But unfortunately, the aftermath of my storm still remains.
It is hard to not let go sometimes because I don't want my anger to pent up in me and blow up. Thats my theory at least. I have been trying hard to check myself and it is hard.
So is love a behavior? I would think so. When I look at the way I behave towards different people, its really obvious. When we date someone, we want them to really desire us. We are at our best. We do what pleases them sometimes even at our inconvenience. When we love a friend, we go out of our way to do things for them, talk to them, help them, be around them and try to make things pleasant. The problems arise when we start taking our loved ones for granted and focus our niceties on the things and other people. We are so busy being nice to the person on the street that we sometimes forget that the persons we need to be nicest to, the people around us most of the time are the people we need to focus on more. We are often with our own children while going out of our way to be patient and nice to other kids. Shouldn't we be saving some of that for our own ?
It is great that we put effort in being nice to the people around us but equally important or more so is the effort we put in for our loved ones.
We need to make sure the behavior around the people who love and care about us leave nothing to be desired or one day we might turn around and see ourselves in a sea of superficial people with those who made life meaningful missing.
My immediate family always bears the brunt on my mood swings. It is true, there is no place like home to let yourself go and that's what I tend to do. They have seen me at my worst and at my best. They have also seen me in my pretend best where right after I finish yelling at them, someone comes up to the door and I am all smiles. I often amaze myself at my acting abilities. If its someone I like at the door, its not acting any more. I actually like having them there and it really helps me calm down and I am almost back to my "normal" self when they leave. But unfortunately, the aftermath of my storm still remains.
It is hard to not let go sometimes because I don't want my anger to pent up in me and blow up. Thats my theory at least. I have been trying hard to check myself and it is hard.
So is love a behavior? I would think so. When I look at the way I behave towards different people, its really obvious. When we date someone, we want them to really desire us. We are at our best. We do what pleases them sometimes even at our inconvenience. When we love a friend, we go out of our way to do things for them, talk to them, help them, be around them and try to make things pleasant. The problems arise when we start taking our loved ones for granted and focus our niceties on the things and other people. We are so busy being nice to the person on the street that we sometimes forget that the persons we need to be nicest to, the people around us most of the time are the people we need to focus on more. We are often with our own children while going out of our way to be patient and nice to other kids. Shouldn't we be saving some of that for our own ?
It is great that we put effort in being nice to the people around us but equally important or more so is the effort we put in for our loved ones.
We need to make sure the behavior around the people who love and care about us leave nothing to be desired or one day we might turn around and see ourselves in a sea of superficial people with those who made life meaningful missing.
“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”
Mother TeresaMonday, March 4, 2013
Abortion
I'm not going to argue if abortion is right or wrong. My quest is in - where did we go wrong.
Today there are a lot of people who are protesting against abortion and equally strong proponents of pro-choice. While I find that both sides have equally strong values/opinions/thoughts, neither side has been able to convince me on what the right side was. While the debate rages in my head, I often wonder why people don't do anything about preventing/controlling the situation.
When you think about it, our culture is changing and fast. In the past getting pregnant before marriage was frowned upon so people were more careful. Marriage was held sacred and children were taught to have strong moral values. My comments are not just based on what I was brought up with and saw growing up but also on the fact that the older TV shows that were popular were family friendly and did encourage those models. Today a sitcom is popular for drama where the language is crude and the shows revolve around lose morals. Married people being unfaithful, reality shows with girls doing anything to win the guy or guys doing anything to get the girl. I was listening to the radio one night and there was a talk show which was about "How to have and affair and not get caught". The worst part of it was the "experts" were talking about how it improves their relationship. I'd say they were experts at ruining relationships. How can one ever be happy in a relationship where there is no trust.
To fight the issue about abortion, shouldn't we start at the root of the problem. Shouldn't we be teaching the teen population about abstinence and encouraging them to enjoy their teen years by hanging out with friends and having fun instead of having no self control and then living a life of regret. Shouldn't we as a society, take it upon ourselves to provide the boundaries that we don't want our teenagers to cross. After all, we hold our child's hands when they have to cross the road, shouldn't we hold their hand as they struggle to find their niche in the world. We need to provide the boundaries which would give them the security they need. Its the teen years that we try to experiment with the boundaries but if there is no boundaries, the testing doesn't stop till its detrimental to them and everyone involved. Lets stop trying to be so understanding that we don't provide guidelines. After all, we teach our children to look both sides before crossing the street then why not take the time to talk to them about life as they cross into adulthood.
Today there are a lot of people who are protesting against abortion and equally strong proponents of pro-choice. While I find that both sides have equally strong values/opinions/thoughts, neither side has been able to convince me on what the right side was. While the debate rages in my head, I often wonder why people don't do anything about preventing/controlling the situation.
When you think about it, our culture is changing and fast. In the past getting pregnant before marriage was frowned upon so people were more careful. Marriage was held sacred and children were taught to have strong moral values. My comments are not just based on what I was brought up with and saw growing up but also on the fact that the older TV shows that were popular were family friendly and did encourage those models. Today a sitcom is popular for drama where the language is crude and the shows revolve around lose morals. Married people being unfaithful, reality shows with girls doing anything to win the guy or guys doing anything to get the girl. I was listening to the radio one night and there was a talk show which was about "How to have and affair and not get caught". The worst part of it was the "experts" were talking about how it improves their relationship. I'd say they were experts at ruining relationships. How can one ever be happy in a relationship where there is no trust.
To fight the issue about abortion, shouldn't we start at the root of the problem. Shouldn't we be teaching the teen population about abstinence and encouraging them to enjoy their teen years by hanging out with friends and having fun instead of having no self control and then living a life of regret. Shouldn't we as a society, take it upon ourselves to provide the boundaries that we don't want our teenagers to cross. After all, we hold our child's hands when they have to cross the road, shouldn't we hold their hand as they struggle to find their niche in the world. We need to provide the boundaries which would give them the security they need. Its the teen years that we try to experiment with the boundaries but if there is no boundaries, the testing doesn't stop till its detrimental to them and everyone involved. Lets stop trying to be so understanding that we don't provide guidelines. After all, we teach our children to look both sides before crossing the street then why not take the time to talk to them about life as they cross into adulthood.
“Because after you've crossed some lines, you just keep crossing them.”
― Chuck Palahnuik
Saturday, March 2, 2013
The Company you keep
All my childhood I remember my parents being very particular about the kids I hung out with. They constantly monitored and watched what I was doing with my friends and also watched my friends. There was only one way to describe how I felt - FURIOUS! How dare they told me what to do and whom to hang out with!
Now as a mother of 2 children, I do exactly the same thing. Its a fine line between discrimination and making sure you are around people who will not influence you in the wrong way. I pray always that God will grant me the wisdom to be fair and understanding and also to keep my children away from bad influence. Its a tough job for sure.
So why is company so important. I was listening to one of those talks [I think it was Dale Sutherland] and he was talking about how when he was working 16 hrs as a policeman and hanging out with folks who measured or showed toughness by being rough and angry, he found that he had started behaving in the same way - not at work but also around his own family. I reflected on the changes that my husband and I have gone through over the years. When we married, apart from the core values we cherished we were East and West. I was impatient and always on the go and a perfectionist. He was patient, laid back and didn't particularly care that the paper on the table was not parallel to the edge. As you can imagine, there were a lot of things that we didn't agree about and me being more vocal gave my voice box plenty of exercise.
As time passed, I found that we both were moving in nature towards each other. Of course over the years I had seen the value of how important my husband's take on life was to maintain sanity in our house even though I didn't want to acknowledge it. As he became more vocal, I was becoming calmer. He's no where near how I used to be but I do appreciate that he is speaking up. We hope to meet in the middle or a little more towards his side on some things and towards mine in other things. The important thing I learnt was that the more time you spent with someone, the more you influence or get influenced.
I do believe that God has given us instincts to know where we would fit in and be comfortable. The problems usually arise when we ignore those instincts in our bid to fit in. We probably do that because our need to be accepted is so great that we are willing to give up some of our values for it.
Company, I believe should be a symbiotic relationship where each benefits from the other's positive attributes. If that is not happening, its better to break free and look elsewhere before we change our values. After all the only thing that a person can call his own is his values.
"You can not change the people around you, but you can change the people that you choose to be around."
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Does love really mean not having to say you are sorry
"Love means never having to say you are sorry" from Eric Segal's book "Love Story" and also made famous by the movie of the same name based on book. I'd read this book in high school and that line made me extremely happy. To me it meant that if I loved someone, I didn't need to be courteous to them. I could speak to them the way I want and say what I want and it was all right. Life was good.
Then I watched "What's up doc" and the movie's ending had the Barbara Streisand's character say the same thing and the response was "That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard". That was a slap in the face. It meant I had to shape up.
After I got married, I lived on the principle of "not having to say I'm sorry" and I was okay but I can't say the same about my poor husband. I think I am truly blessed that he has the ability to filter everything I say and do. When I think back, I don't think I would have put up with what I shelled out. Thank God for people in my life who were too sensible to take what I dished out and showed me how dumb my attitude was. But really, it took a movie to make me realise what a dumb attitude it was. One does tend to take the wisdom of people close to them for granted [my kind way of saying I ignored them].
I realize today how important it is to treat the people we love in the best way possible. Being comfortable and loving someone doesn't mean taking them for granted. Loving someone means appreciating what a huge blessing it is in our lives to have someone like that. Today I think we need to put in extra effort to be extra nice to these special people who know us so well and love us anyway.
This year my Lenten abstinence is to not get angry over little things with people who forgive me so easily. Beleive me its harder than it sounds because I'm a perfectionist and I know exactly how things need to be done. Doesn't mean it is, but I believe it is and thats what's important right?? Okay, okay. I know. I'm getting off my high horse and admitting I need to change. Lets set the example for change for the better.
Then I watched "What's up doc" and the movie's ending had the Barbara Streisand's character say the same thing and the response was "That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard". That was a slap in the face. It meant I had to shape up.
After I got married, I lived on the principle of "not having to say I'm sorry" and I was okay but I can't say the same about my poor husband. I think I am truly blessed that he has the ability to filter everything I say and do. When I think back, I don't think I would have put up with what I shelled out. Thank God for people in my life who were too sensible to take what I dished out and showed me how dumb my attitude was. But really, it took a movie to make me realise what a dumb attitude it was. One does tend to take the wisdom of people close to them for granted [my kind way of saying I ignored them].
I realize today how important it is to treat the people we love in the best way possible. Being comfortable and loving someone doesn't mean taking them for granted. Loving someone means appreciating what a huge blessing it is in our lives to have someone like that. Today I think we need to put in extra effort to be extra nice to these special people who know us so well and love us anyway.
This year my Lenten abstinence is to not get angry over little things with people who forgive me so easily. Beleive me its harder than it sounds because I'm a perfectionist and I know exactly how things need to be done. Doesn't mean it is, but I believe it is and thats what's important right?? Okay, okay. I know. I'm getting off my high horse and admitting I need to change. Lets set the example for change for the better.
Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
What do you really know about others
I was reading Agatha Christie's "A Caribbean Mystery". I thoroughly enjoy her books and I think that she writes the best murder mystery stories. :) There was a line there that Miss Marple [the detective] said that caught my attention - "We only know about people what they tell us".
That got me thinking about how important it is to surround ourselves with people who are trustworthy. We really don't know anything about how they think, what they do, how they would react to things. We make educated guesses and assumptions but do we REALLY know. The thought makes me feel like I'm living in some kind of a suspense movie. :)
The point is, we need to make the effort to understand the people we care about. We will never be able to know everything about them and that's why we need to use our God given intuition as well. One very important reason in my mind for doing this is to make sure that we are not swayed by gossip and other people's opinion about the people we love. No one is perfect. Everybody has their ideas on what a good friend is. People form opinions without having anything to back it up and there is always that danger that when we meet someone, our mind is already made up because of things we have heard.After all, it takes all kinds to make the world interesting.
I don't know who wrote this poem. Its one of the most sensible one I have read on relationships -
That got me thinking about how important it is to surround ourselves with people who are trustworthy. We really don't know anything about how they think, what they do, how they would react to things. We make educated guesses and assumptions but do we REALLY know. The thought makes me feel like I'm living in some kind of a suspense movie. :)
The point is, we need to make the effort to understand the people we care about. We will never be able to know everything about them and that's why we need to use our God given intuition as well. One very important reason in my mind for doing this is to make sure that we are not swayed by gossip and other people's opinion about the people we love. No one is perfect. Everybody has their ideas on what a good friend is. People form opinions without having anything to back it up and there is always that danger that when we meet someone, our mind is already made up because of things we have heard.After all, it takes all kinds to make the world interesting.
I don't know who wrote this poem. Its one of the most sensible one I have read on relationships -
Life is a theater so invite your audiences carefully. Not everyone is
holy enough and healthy enough to have a FRONT ROW seat in our lives.
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships and family!
Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.
Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are just going downhill?
When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?
Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.
The more you seek God and the things of God, the more you seek quality, the more you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God, the more you seek things honorable, the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.
You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around!
Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the FRONT ROW of your life.
Remember that FRONT ROW seats are for special and deserving people and those who sit in your FRONT ROW should be chosen carefully.
Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships and family!
Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.
Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are just going downhill?
When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?
Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.
The more you seek God and the things of God, the more you seek quality, the more you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God, the more you seek things honorable, the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW.
You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around!
Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the FRONT ROW of your life.
Remember that FRONT ROW seats are for special and deserving people and those who sit in your FRONT ROW should be chosen carefully.
Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Sibling rivalry
Here is a conversation that took place in my house -
Mark - Sam, I am named after one of the Gospels and you are named after one too
Sam - I have 2 books in the Bible named after me. You just have one.
My competitive 6yr old responds - My name is John. I have 4 books named after me. My name's not really Mark you know.
I often think about competition and how healthy it is. I've seen and experienced comparisons by parents and have heard so much of "If your brother can do this, why can't you" or "Look at her, she's so well behaved", "Do you have to laugh so loudly, learn some poise form your sister". There were things in which I had the upper hand so of course they got this too. But as I grew, I realized I resented the comparisons.
I've seen a lot of siblings fall apart because of these constant naggings. I don't think the comments need to be external. Unhealthy competition between friends have the same fall out. The resentment and the jealousy just keeps growing.
So is all competition unhealthy. I'd answer with the teenage chant of "No way!". Sports, academics and a healthy attitude of I need to be better than X can help us better ourselves and also is the motivation to get ahead. I don't think the world would have seen all the cool inventions that have changed our lives if it weren't for someone competing to do better. The important thing is that we don't lose our self esteem or stop loving the simple things in life to get ahead.
"The pressure people put on themselves and the rivalry between the teams is much more marked. And I think that's a good thing. As long as that rivalry remains within the spirit of competition, it con only spur everyone on."Eric Cantona
Mark - Sam, I am named after one of the Gospels and you are named after one too
Sam - I have 2 books in the Bible named after me. You just have one.
My competitive 6yr old responds - My name is John. I have 4 books named after me. My name's not really Mark you know.
I often think about competition and how healthy it is. I've seen and experienced comparisons by parents and have heard so much of "If your brother can do this, why can't you" or "Look at her, she's so well behaved", "Do you have to laugh so loudly, learn some poise form your sister". There were things in which I had the upper hand so of course they got this too. But as I grew, I realized I resented the comparisons.
I've seen a lot of siblings fall apart because of these constant naggings. I don't think the comments need to be external. Unhealthy competition between friends have the same fall out. The resentment and the jealousy just keeps growing.
So is all competition unhealthy. I'd answer with the teenage chant of "No way!". Sports, academics and a healthy attitude of I need to be better than X can help us better ourselves and also is the motivation to get ahead. I don't think the world would have seen all the cool inventions that have changed our lives if it weren't for someone competing to do better. The important thing is that we don't lose our self esteem or stop loving the simple things in life to get ahead.
"The pressure people put on themselves and the rivalry between the teams is much more marked. And I think that's a good thing. As long as that rivalry remains within the spirit of competition, it con only spur everyone on."Eric Cantona
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Does watching movies help us in any way ?
I was watching the movie "Waqt" which is a typical hindi movie drama. I had my children sitting with me and watching it. They were not too pleased because they preferred to play Wii. Since we have only one TV, they came over to ask me to play and I asked them to wait and they happened to sit next to me and watched it. I watched the expressions on their faces during the movie and realised that movies triggered different emotions.
In life, we are not always prepared for all the situations we will be thrown into. Sometimes the hypothetical situations we watch, help our brain to trigger thoughts in the background on how we would handle those incidents. We think about the responses of the characters and judge and think of how things could have been done better. I think these mental exercises do help us prepare for the life's marathon just like running on the treadmill is often how runners prepare for a marathon.
So a movie a week might just help us face life with confidence :)
In life, we are not always prepared for all the situations we will be thrown into. Sometimes the hypothetical situations we watch, help our brain to trigger thoughts in the background on how we would handle those incidents. We think about the responses of the characters and judge and think of how things could have been done better. I think these mental exercises do help us prepare for the life's marathon just like running on the treadmill is often how runners prepare for a marathon.
So a movie a week might just help us face life with confidence :)
Monday, February 4, 2013
Friends
I am blessed with wonderful friends. I have been sick for more than a week now and I'm a generally healthy person. This is the first time in years that I have not been able to push myself to provide wholesome meals for the family and have just remained curled up on the sofa falling asleep.
None of my friends had seen me since our pastor was out of town and we didn't have mass the week before. One of my neighbors who works with one of my friends, mentioned I looked terrible and she decided I needed to be fed. That evening she turned up with food and told me in no uncertain terms that I need to just sit tight and let the house be a mess and let her know what I needed. :)
Another person just showed up at my door with some food and another one turned up with a whole lot of food. I'm feeling much better and no one really knew I was in a bad shape.
It got me thinking on how fortunate I was. I have people in my life who really care about me. Even when my friends were not aware of how sick I was, I knew in my heart that if I really needed something, I just had to pick the phone and call and I'm sure they would do whatever needed. Its a good feeling. I don't have any family close to where I live but these people have become my family. Some of them have become closer than even family.
Be a friend. Live life by the golden rule - Do unto others as you would want them to do to you. I have to Thank God for my friends from various times in my life - from my infancy to my adult life. I feel I am among the luckiest persons in the world because of the blessing of friendship.
The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it.
Hubert H. Humphrey
None of my friends had seen me since our pastor was out of town and we didn't have mass the week before. One of my neighbors who works with one of my friends, mentioned I looked terrible and she decided I needed to be fed. That evening she turned up with food and told me in no uncertain terms that I need to just sit tight and let the house be a mess and let her know what I needed. :)
Another person just showed up at my door with some food and another one turned up with a whole lot of food. I'm feeling much better and no one really knew I was in a bad shape.
It got me thinking on how fortunate I was. I have people in my life who really care about me. Even when my friends were not aware of how sick I was, I knew in my heart that if I really needed something, I just had to pick the phone and call and I'm sure they would do whatever needed. Its a good feeling. I don't have any family close to where I live but these people have become my family. Some of them have become closer than even family.
Be a friend. Live life by the golden rule - Do unto others as you would want them to do to you. I have to Thank God for my friends from various times in my life - from my infancy to my adult life. I feel I am among the luckiest persons in the world because of the blessing of friendship.
The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it.
Hubert H. Humphrey
Monday, January 28, 2013
Courage to show fear
Needing courage to show fear sounds pretty weird but it is profound. One always tries to hide ones weakness. We never want another person to know we are afraid. It could be pride, or self defense or any number of reasons depending on our life experiences.
I heard this on TV and got thinking about it. When we show our fear, we show our vulnerability. To show our vulnerability, means we need to trust the person we are opening up to. We are risking ridicule and hurt feelings when we open up ourselves and its hard. Letting someone see you at your most delicate emotional moments is extremely hard but that is the best way to grow any relationship.
I've always been very independent and pride myself in not crying. My mom says there's nothing that can make me cry :). That's not really true. I just don't like anyone thinking I'm not tough. I'd feel all the emotions churning when I see an emotional movie but would never ever admit to have been touched.
Coming to acknowledging not being so tough, I'd like to share a story. I don't mind the small spiders but the large ones scare me out of my skull. I once saw a HUGE spider in the bathroom and called my husband. He was surprised that I needed his help. He kept a teasing grin and got rid of it. But after that, he gave me a big hug which seemed to say - its great to take care of you. Left me feeling very good inside.:)
It made me realize that people who love you need to know you need them to. They will love you with even more love because the deepest love I think comes from not being afraid to show you're afraid. A Mother's love is characterized as the most sublime because a mother would do anything for the child but she has the encouragement to grow that love. The child does not hide his/her feelings and weaknesses from her. So if among the people we love, we acknowledge each other and our need without worrying about being ridiculed, I can't imagine why relationships just won't keep getting better.
I heard this on TV and got thinking about it. When we show our fear, we show our vulnerability. To show our vulnerability, means we need to trust the person we are opening up to. We are risking ridicule and hurt feelings when we open up ourselves and its hard. Letting someone see you at your most delicate emotional moments is extremely hard but that is the best way to grow any relationship.
I've always been very independent and pride myself in not crying. My mom says there's nothing that can make me cry :). That's not really true. I just don't like anyone thinking I'm not tough. I'd feel all the emotions churning when I see an emotional movie but would never ever admit to have been touched.
Coming to acknowledging not being so tough, I'd like to share a story. I don't mind the small spiders but the large ones scare me out of my skull. I once saw a HUGE spider in the bathroom and called my husband. He was surprised that I needed his help. He kept a teasing grin and got rid of it. But after that, he gave me a big hug which seemed to say - its great to take care of you. Left me feeling very good inside.:)
It made me realize that people who love you need to know you need them to. They will love you with even more love because the deepest love I think comes from not being afraid to show you're afraid. A Mother's love is characterized as the most sublime because a mother would do anything for the child but she has the encouragement to grow that love. The child does not hide his/her feelings and weaknesses from her. So if among the people we love, we acknowledge each other and our need without worrying about being ridiculed, I can't imagine why relationships just won't keep getting better.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Experience life!!
We are constantly looking for ways to explain what is going on. We look for complicated ways to call people of different races so they will not feel "insulted". We tap dance around issues because we want to use politically correct words. Today we are afraid to tell our children to "make sure you study hard or you won't have a job when you grow up". We want to protect our children and society from all bad/hurtful things.
The truth is, life is made of all kinds of flavors. Love, hate, hurt, sadness, laughter - all combine to make life rich and worth living. If we don't know what failure is, how do we savor success. If we don't work hard, how do we relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Spelling out reality to someone doesn't mean you don't love them. I think hiding the realities is the worst thing you can do for someone. You are taking away the joy of experience. My older son was diagnosed with Aspergers. Our life has had its own challenges. But the truth is, I would not trade those experiences for anything in the world. There are days when I feel its the end of the world for me and there are times when I am in seventh heaven. I enjoy Calvin and Hobbes and could never understand the exasperation his mother used to show in the strips. Now with a kid who is similar, I know exactly where it comes from!!
What I am trying to say is that sometimes we don't want the hardships in our life. We want to be protected from everything uncomfortable. We beg God to make things better so we don't have any sorrows. Life goes on and in retrospect, we look back at the lessons we learn and thank those sandpaper experiences that make our lives smoother.
The truth is, life is made of all kinds of flavors. Love, hate, hurt, sadness, laughter - all combine to make life rich and worth living. If we don't know what failure is, how do we savor success. If we don't work hard, how do we relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Spelling out reality to someone doesn't mean you don't love them. I think hiding the realities is the worst thing you can do for someone. You are taking away the joy of experience. My older son was diagnosed with Aspergers. Our life has had its own challenges. But the truth is, I would not trade those experiences for anything in the world. There are days when I feel its the end of the world for me and there are times when I am in seventh heaven. I enjoy Calvin and Hobbes and could never understand the exasperation his mother used to show in the strips. Now with a kid who is similar, I know exactly where it comes from!!
What I am trying to say is that sometimes we don't want the hardships in our life. We want to be protected from everything uncomfortable. We beg God to make things better so we don't have any sorrows. Life goes on and in retrospect, we look back at the lessons we learn and thank those sandpaper experiences that make our lives smoother.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Priorities
In today's world there are so many things vying for attention - spouse, kids, work, home, friends, acquaintances, volunteering, fun, reading, writing.. the list could go on an on and on. How do I manage all these things in my life and be fair to each of these aspects that are important to me. The answer is easy - Prioritize!!
Thats easier said than done. I decided my list would go - spouse, kids, home, work, friends .... No sooner had I set this, when my younger son fell ill and of course the priorities shifted. So what do I do ?
After spending a great deal of thought on the way I do things, I realised I have a problem with boundaries. My work generally flowed over to my home life since I work from home a lot. It was hard for me to stop when I still had emails to be answered or someone was IM-ing me or a call came in. As time went and I became more and more conscious about how I was making my home a second place, I made conscious efforts to change. I am getting better though not quite there yet. I try my best to get off my chair in time to make sure dinner can be served by 7:30pm.
I'm still struggling but I do try to stop my typing and train of thoughts to respond to my kids. I try to understand what a bickering between them is about instead of just screaming at them to be quiet and let me finish my work [which I should have put away an hour back]. But I have learnt to appreciate that if I stick to proper time management, I do my work well and I also have time for my family. I get to enjoy my kids' talks and also listen to my husband who shares his views. I am not hardpressed for time trying to get dinner done and getting the kids to bed. I am more relaxed and have time to clean up so when I come down in the morning the next day, the kitchen looks clean and I start the day feeling good :)
Prioritizing is hard work but then nothing worth having ever came easy ;-)
Thats easier said than done. I decided my list would go - spouse, kids, home, work, friends .... No sooner had I set this, when my younger son fell ill and of course the priorities shifted. So what do I do ?
After spending a great deal of thought on the way I do things, I realised I have a problem with boundaries. My work generally flowed over to my home life since I work from home a lot. It was hard for me to stop when I still had emails to be answered or someone was IM-ing me or a call came in. As time went and I became more and more conscious about how I was making my home a second place, I made conscious efforts to change. I am getting better though not quite there yet. I try my best to get off my chair in time to make sure dinner can be served by 7:30pm.
I'm still struggling but I do try to stop my typing and train of thoughts to respond to my kids. I try to understand what a bickering between them is about instead of just screaming at them to be quiet and let me finish my work [which I should have put away an hour back]. But I have learnt to appreciate that if I stick to proper time management, I do my work well and I also have time for my family. I get to enjoy my kids' talks and also listen to my husband who shares his views. I am not hardpressed for time trying to get dinner done and getting the kids to bed. I am more relaxed and have time to clean up so when I come down in the morning the next day, the kitchen looks clean and I start the day feeling good :)
Prioritizing is hard work but then nothing worth having ever came easy ;-)
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Winners and Losers
"Each of you is a winner. It doesn't matter if you won or lost the game. You are each a winner". This is and example of the latest trends in child rearing. No matter how badly one does, one is still a winner. How does that train a child for adulthood?
To me each stage in life is beautiful with lessons learned and one step closer to independently making the world a better place. Sometimes when I look at the methods used to teach children, it makes me wonder how are we going to prepare the future generation for a real life. Do you go from "you are a winner" all the time to "there will be times when you fail. Just don't give up". We didn't ever teach them that in the most trainable habit forming years of their life. Are we trying to build up self esteem at the cost of endurance and character.
It is important to build up a child. Look for little things that they do well and praise them. The little things are the world in their eyes. "Wow! look at that move you made" in the middle of the checkers game will build them up more than "you're a winner" when they lost. We need to teach the children that its not always the destination that is enjoyed but every step to it is to be savored.
If we could instill in our future generation a true sense of self worth, they will not constantly need external reassurances of their worth. If we set the example that its ok to fail but to learn and move on, failures will not hold them down. If we set them up to be content and not to look to the others to measure their success but measure it in the terms of what they wanted to achieve, the race will always be to get better. If we teach them that only God is perfect and mistakes are to be forgiven, there will be more peace within and in the world.
To me each stage in life is beautiful with lessons learned and one step closer to independently making the world a better place. Sometimes when I look at the methods used to teach children, it makes me wonder how are we going to prepare the future generation for a real life. Do you go from "you are a winner" all the time to "there will be times when you fail. Just don't give up". We didn't ever teach them that in the most trainable habit forming years of their life. Are we trying to build up self esteem at the cost of endurance and character.
It is important to build up a child. Look for little things that they do well and praise them. The little things are the world in their eyes. "Wow! look at that move you made" in the middle of the checkers game will build them up more than "you're a winner" when they lost. We need to teach the children that its not always the destination that is enjoyed but every step to it is to be savored.
If we could instill in our future generation a true sense of self worth, they will not constantly need external reassurances of their worth. If we set the example that its ok to fail but to learn and move on, failures will not hold them down. If we set them up to be content and not to look to the others to measure their success but measure it in the terms of what they wanted to achieve, the race will always be to get better. If we teach them that only God is perfect and mistakes are to be forgiven, there will be more peace within and in the world.
Being real is fun
Is it because media - internet, tv etc have made information more accessible that we don't know what we want as real anymore? Why are people popping pills to make them feel better ? Today we escape into the made up lives of TV, movies and reality shows. Is that what life is really today?
With these shows continuously in our living rooms and life, what kind of lesson are we teaching our children. The shows are reality shows where the language is mostly coarse and adult humor. The couple of times I have seen snippets, the folks on the show are being berated or behaving with no self respect or doing "whatever it takes" to win. If one cannot love and respect oneself, how will others do that.
This is definitely not the life that will make the world a better place. We are jsut encouraging the media to push the "dare" factor to stupider levels. It used to be, do you dare to sneak out and go for a movie, now it is what coarse language can you get away with, what insults can you hurl... Sounds like banging your head on the wall would be a better idea of a "dare".
I was trying to think how things have changed in my life over time. Growing up in a lower middle class family with not much to spend on extracurricular activities, we "invented" games using stones, sticks and whatever else was there for free. We played outside from the time we got home from school till our parents were screaming at us to get in and do our homework. We celebrated the little success - an A in Maths, a note praising that essay in English, the tones used in the read-aloud. We grew up in a society where praise was not given freely but for well deserved acts. It encouraged us to try to do better. The TV shows were shows that encouraged moral values. They taught the lessons of practical prudence and the importance of education. I still remember the scene in the Bill Cosby show where his son Theo believes he doesn't need an education to live comfortably. His Dad sat him down to do the Math - His Dad gives him an amount of money representing a generous monthly salary for a "regular person". He then takes money out of Theo's hand in amounts representing various costs such as housing, food, clothes, transportation and finally a girlfriend, until there is nothing left. I love the series so I bought the show so my kids could watch it but the snippet I was talking about you could see here -Bill Cosby teaches Theo about money.
Life is not a battle for supremacy. We are social beings. If we take a moment to truly encourage and teach the right values and look for those in others, I'm sure we don't need to be discouraged or depressed. If we learn to enjoy the positive things around us - good manners, healthy debates, respect, I truly believe that life would be better for us and the people around us.
With these shows continuously in our living rooms and life, what kind of lesson are we teaching our children. The shows are reality shows where the language is mostly coarse and adult humor. The couple of times I have seen snippets, the folks on the show are being berated or behaving with no self respect or doing "whatever it takes" to win. If one cannot love and respect oneself, how will others do that.
This is definitely not the life that will make the world a better place. We are jsut encouraging the media to push the "dare" factor to stupider levels. It used to be, do you dare to sneak out and go for a movie, now it is what coarse language can you get away with, what insults can you hurl... Sounds like banging your head on the wall would be a better idea of a "dare".
I was trying to think how things have changed in my life over time. Growing up in a lower middle class family with not much to spend on extracurricular activities, we "invented" games using stones, sticks and whatever else was there for free. We played outside from the time we got home from school till our parents were screaming at us to get in and do our homework. We celebrated the little success - an A in Maths, a note praising that essay in English, the tones used in the read-aloud. We grew up in a society where praise was not given freely but for well deserved acts. It encouraged us to try to do better. The TV shows were shows that encouraged moral values. They taught the lessons of practical prudence and the importance of education. I still remember the scene in the Bill Cosby show where his son Theo believes he doesn't need an education to live comfortably. His Dad sat him down to do the Math - His Dad gives him an amount of money representing a generous monthly salary for a "regular person". He then takes money out of Theo's hand in amounts representing various costs such as housing, food, clothes, transportation and finally a girlfriend, until there is nothing left. I love the series so I bought the show so my kids could watch it but the snippet I was talking about you could see here -Bill Cosby teaches Theo about money.
Life is not a battle for supremacy. We are social beings. If we take a moment to truly encourage and teach the right values and look for those in others, I'm sure we don't need to be discouraged or depressed. If we learn to enjoy the positive things around us - good manners, healthy debates, respect, I truly believe that life would be better for us and the people around us.
Monday, January 21, 2013
"You better be telling the truth"
One of the most common threats made to a child when we are trying to resolve a conflict. We tell our children time and time again about the importance of telling the truth at all times. We don't teach them that there are circumstances when lying is ok.
Its all said and done till our children learn from us and decide that honesty is circumstantial and use it. They hear us saying we should be honest all the time but see us being dishonest in little and big ways - calling in sick when we don't want to go to work, watching pirated videos on the internet, using pens and pencils from work to send to school with the kids, sneaking in to get the free snack/drinks from work on our way to a hike. Of course, we justify our actions - I never fall sick so my sick days go unused. The movie folks cheat on their taxes or for the more savvy, they should make the formats so they are not available so easily for uploads. I work here and don't get paid enough and these are perks and is expected. Well, I work here, those snacks are for me.
Really! I would say another way to look into it would be that one should be glad one doesn't fall sick and be grateful for the health that allows one to work everyday instead of worrying about one's health. If we consciously didn't watch pirated movies, we would be freeing up the smart folks to find solutions to more important issue related to health and improving the economy or cool new things that we haven't heard of yet.
I can't say that I never lie or am the most honest person around but I can say that I try very very hard. I have found that my children are more willing to listen to me when I do as I say, It is true actions speak louder than words. The only person we can control is really only ourselves.
The Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca has said -
Its all said and done till our children learn from us and decide that honesty is circumstantial and use it. They hear us saying we should be honest all the time but see us being dishonest in little and big ways - calling in sick when we don't want to go to work, watching pirated videos on the internet, using pens and pencils from work to send to school with the kids, sneaking in to get the free snack/drinks from work on our way to a hike. Of course, we justify our actions - I never fall sick so my sick days go unused. The movie folks cheat on their taxes or for the more savvy, they should make the formats so they are not available so easily for uploads. I work here and don't get paid enough and these are perks and is expected. Well, I work here, those snacks are for me.
Really! I would say another way to look into it would be that one should be glad one doesn't fall sick and be grateful for the health that allows one to work everyday instead of worrying about one's health. If we consciously didn't watch pirated movies, we would be freeing up the smart folks to find solutions to more important issue related to health and improving the economy or cool new things that we haven't heard of yet.
I can't say that I never lie or am the most honest person around but I can say that I try very very hard. I have found that my children are more willing to listen to me when I do as I say, It is true actions speak louder than words. The only person we can control is really only ourselves.
The Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca has said -
Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The most valuable thing!
I was coaching the my son's First Lego League with a theme of "Senior Solutions". Our team did some research and came up with loneliness being one of the most common issues with seniors today.
It got me thinking about our society in general. We are now extremely nuclear families. Having multiple generations live in the same is close to non existent. Its parents and their kids and if the kids are not out on their own at 18, we consider ourselves failed parents. Depressing I think!
To me it makes more sense that the kids stay with the parents till they get married or have good jobs. They have plenty of time to struggle in their lives. Living in a family where the kids are answerable, teaches them tolerance so when they have to live with their spouses, they are trained in the give and take. As the kids grow older, they know they no longer "have" to be with their parents but their being there teaches them to respect authority and compromise when they don't want to. They learn to work out issues instead of walking away. The stress in the family when the strain for independence starts, shows each member that we all need to work together to keep the family together. I honestly beleive that this helps build relationships and trains people to live with things that can't be changed. I LOVE the serenity prayer and beleive it should be part of everyone's life -
Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If we invest our most valuable possession - time, in the people we love, I don't see why there couldn't be more happiness in the world. After all, who wouldn't like to have someone they know they could call when they were down ? I love that and I hope and pray more people will know that feeling.
It got me thinking about our society in general. We are now extremely nuclear families. Having multiple generations live in the same is close to non existent. Its parents and their kids and if the kids are not out on their own at 18, we consider ourselves failed parents. Depressing I think!
To me it makes more sense that the kids stay with the parents till they get married or have good jobs. They have plenty of time to struggle in their lives. Living in a family where the kids are answerable, teaches them tolerance so when they have to live with their spouses, they are trained in the give and take. As the kids grow older, they know they no longer "have" to be with their parents but their being there teaches them to respect authority and compromise when they don't want to. They learn to work out issues instead of walking away. The stress in the family when the strain for independence starts, shows each member that we all need to work together to keep the family together. I honestly beleive that this helps build relationships and trains people to live with things that can't be changed. I LOVE the serenity prayer and beleive it should be part of everyone's life -
Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If we invest our most valuable possession - time, in the people we love, I don't see why there couldn't be more happiness in the world. After all, who wouldn't like to have someone they know they could call when they were down ? I love that and I hope and pray more people will know that feeling.
Is the language we use really important ?
My older one is in Middle School. It was a sudden hit to me. All of a sudden I am hit with language I could not even tolerate from adults. I remained strict about the language used in the house. In our home we don't have cable nor do we use what is termed as inappropriate language. Now in 7th grade and I still hear outbursts and I don't know what to do. I am stuck with the thought maybe I'm stuck in the head. What should I do.
I thought about the world around me. Inappropriate language and gestures seem to have become the norm. At work, on the street, in the malls, whereever you turn, you hear the same crude language. I thought in my head that maybe I need to change... maybe this is the language of the generation of today and this is what it is going to be.
Just when I resigned myself to this, I was talking to some folks and happened to mention this issue in my family. The reaction of the person I was talking to shocked me. He asked me in very strong words if I had stopped him and told my kid he wouldn't have a finger. This from a person I have seen do all this and use foul language plenty of times. I was taken aback but not shocked. We are bringing up the next generation where they don't know what to expect. They are are told one thing and see us doing just what we told them not to. We are becoming a culture of do as I say and not as I do.
I am still using my "strict way" as my children say. I continue in the hope that respectful conversation will always be in style. If we don't have control on our tongues what can we control.
I thought about the world around me. Inappropriate language and gestures seem to have become the norm. At work, on the street, in the malls, whereever you turn, you hear the same crude language. I thought in my head that maybe I need to change... maybe this is the language of the generation of today and this is what it is going to be.
Just when I resigned myself to this, I was talking to some folks and happened to mention this issue in my family. The reaction of the person I was talking to shocked me. He asked me in very strong words if I had stopped him and told my kid he wouldn't have a finger. This from a person I have seen do all this and use foul language plenty of times. I was taken aback but not shocked. We are bringing up the next generation where they don't know what to expect. They are are told one thing and see us doing just what we told them not to. We are becoming a culture of do as I say and not as I do.
I am still using my "strict way" as my children say. I continue in the hope that respectful conversation will always be in style. If we don't have control on our tongues what can we control.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Gratitude
Entitlement seems to be fast replacing gratitude in society today. We are taught to ask for our rights and snatch it if you don't get it. When we are enjoying our rights and privileges, we often forget that we have it and take it for granted. Our pastor was talking about teaching children to say grace before meals last Sunday. I'm not for starting what I deem as useless traditions but this one seemed to make sense. I complain about gratitude and things being taken for granted and here I was taking the fact that I didn't go hungry for granted.
So I set about trying to right my wrong. It was not going to be as easy as I thought. Saying thank you for the food was logical to me but not so to my children. Here are some of the comments I got on the first day -
S - Why are you starting this new pain before meals ?
Me - we need to be grateful for the meals we have and we are not going hungry like a lot of people.
M [who had been waiting for 2 hours for his food] - Yes. And I am one of them
S - Why do I need to be grateful for food I don't like?
S - Let me skip praying today so I can see how tomorrow is different for me from my brother.
You'd think I was telling them to climb Mount Everest and not say the 2 lines - "Bless us oh Lord and these Thy gifts, that we are about to receive, from Your bounty. We ask this through Christ our Lord".
So after 15 minutes of arguments we started the prayer after which S had a question on whether God was a pirate since bounty in Pirates of the Caribbean was loot.
I digress but you see what I am dealing with in my own home. It made me realise how important it is to take the time to TEACH gratitude. It doesn't seem to come magically like I thought it would. It would be a good idea to count your blessings and actually list it out so you know how lucky you are.
I'm grateful for
So bring a little gratitude in your attitude and experience the joy of feeling content.
So I set about trying to right my wrong. It was not going to be as easy as I thought. Saying thank you for the food was logical to me but not so to my children. Here are some of the comments I got on the first day -
S - Why are you starting this new pain before meals ?
Me - we need to be grateful for the meals we have and we are not going hungry like a lot of people.
M [who had been waiting for 2 hours for his food] - Yes. And I am one of them
S - Why do I need to be grateful for food I don't like?
S - Let me skip praying today so I can see how tomorrow is different for me from my brother.
You'd think I was telling them to climb Mount Everest and not say the 2 lines - "Bless us oh Lord and these Thy gifts, that we are about to receive, from Your bounty. We ask this through Christ our Lord".
So after 15 minutes of arguments we started the prayer after which S had a question on whether God was a pirate since bounty in Pirates of the Caribbean was loot.
I digress but you see what I am dealing with in my own home. It made me realise how important it is to take the time to TEACH gratitude. It doesn't seem to come magically like I thought it would. It would be a good idea to count your blessings and actually list it out so you know how lucky you are.
I'm grateful for
- Food
- Health
- hair on my head [i've been complaining about how it has thinned out ]
- Kids who drive me nuts [that is what gives me ammunition for when they have their own kids]
- Husband who lets me be me
- Home
- Friends
- Job with straightforward colleagues
So bring a little gratitude in your attitude and experience the joy of feeling content.
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