Needing courage to show fear sounds pretty weird but it is profound. One always tries to hide ones weakness. We never want another person to know we are afraid. It could be pride, or self defense or any number of reasons depending on our life experiences.
I heard this on TV and got thinking about it. When we show our fear, we show our vulnerability. To show our vulnerability, means we need to trust the person we are opening up to. We are risking ridicule and hurt feelings when we open up ourselves and its hard. Letting someone see you at your most delicate emotional moments is extremely hard but that is the best way to grow any relationship.
I've always been very independent and pride myself in not crying. My mom says there's nothing that can make me cry :). That's not really true. I just don't like anyone thinking I'm not tough. I'd feel all the emotions churning when I see an emotional movie but would never ever admit to have been touched.
Coming to acknowledging not being so tough, I'd like to share a story. I don't mind the small spiders but the large ones scare me out of my skull. I once saw a HUGE spider in the bathroom and called my husband. He was surprised that I needed his help. He kept a teasing grin and got rid of it. But after that, he gave me a big hug which seemed to say - its great to take care of you. Left me feeling very good inside.:)
It made me realize that people who love you need to know you need them to. They will love you with even more love because the deepest love I think comes from not being afraid to show you're afraid. A Mother's love is characterized as the most sublime because a mother would do anything for the child but she has the encouragement to grow that love. The child does not hide his/her feelings and weaknesses from her. So if among the people we love, we acknowledge each other and our need without worrying about being ridiculed, I can't imagine why relationships just won't keep getting better.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Experience life!!
We are constantly looking for ways to explain what is going on. We look for complicated ways to call people of different races so they will not feel "insulted". We tap dance around issues because we want to use politically correct words. Today we are afraid to tell our children to "make sure you study hard or you won't have a job when you grow up". We want to protect our children and society from all bad/hurtful things.
The truth is, life is made of all kinds of flavors. Love, hate, hurt, sadness, laughter - all combine to make life rich and worth living. If we don't know what failure is, how do we savor success. If we don't work hard, how do we relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Spelling out reality to someone doesn't mean you don't love them. I think hiding the realities is the worst thing you can do for someone. You are taking away the joy of experience. My older son was diagnosed with Aspergers. Our life has had its own challenges. But the truth is, I would not trade those experiences for anything in the world. There are days when I feel its the end of the world for me and there are times when I am in seventh heaven. I enjoy Calvin and Hobbes and could never understand the exasperation his mother used to show in the strips. Now with a kid who is similar, I know exactly where it comes from!!
What I am trying to say is that sometimes we don't want the hardships in our life. We want to be protected from everything uncomfortable. We beg God to make things better so we don't have any sorrows. Life goes on and in retrospect, we look back at the lessons we learn and thank those sandpaper experiences that make our lives smoother.
The truth is, life is made of all kinds of flavors. Love, hate, hurt, sadness, laughter - all combine to make life rich and worth living. If we don't know what failure is, how do we savor success. If we don't work hard, how do we relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Spelling out reality to someone doesn't mean you don't love them. I think hiding the realities is the worst thing you can do for someone. You are taking away the joy of experience. My older son was diagnosed with Aspergers. Our life has had its own challenges. But the truth is, I would not trade those experiences for anything in the world. There are days when I feel its the end of the world for me and there are times when I am in seventh heaven. I enjoy Calvin and Hobbes and could never understand the exasperation his mother used to show in the strips. Now with a kid who is similar, I know exactly where it comes from!!
What I am trying to say is that sometimes we don't want the hardships in our life. We want to be protected from everything uncomfortable. We beg God to make things better so we don't have any sorrows. Life goes on and in retrospect, we look back at the lessons we learn and thank those sandpaper experiences that make our lives smoother.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Priorities
In today's world there are so many things vying for attention - spouse, kids, work, home, friends, acquaintances, volunteering, fun, reading, writing.. the list could go on an on and on. How do I manage all these things in my life and be fair to each of these aspects that are important to me. The answer is easy - Prioritize!!
Thats easier said than done. I decided my list would go - spouse, kids, home, work, friends .... No sooner had I set this, when my younger son fell ill and of course the priorities shifted. So what do I do ?
After spending a great deal of thought on the way I do things, I realised I have a problem with boundaries. My work generally flowed over to my home life since I work from home a lot. It was hard for me to stop when I still had emails to be answered or someone was IM-ing me or a call came in. As time went and I became more and more conscious about how I was making my home a second place, I made conscious efforts to change. I am getting better though not quite there yet. I try my best to get off my chair in time to make sure dinner can be served by 7:30pm.
I'm still struggling but I do try to stop my typing and train of thoughts to respond to my kids. I try to understand what a bickering between them is about instead of just screaming at them to be quiet and let me finish my work [which I should have put away an hour back]. But I have learnt to appreciate that if I stick to proper time management, I do my work well and I also have time for my family. I get to enjoy my kids' talks and also listen to my husband who shares his views. I am not hardpressed for time trying to get dinner done and getting the kids to bed. I am more relaxed and have time to clean up so when I come down in the morning the next day, the kitchen looks clean and I start the day feeling good :)
Prioritizing is hard work but then nothing worth having ever came easy ;-)
Thats easier said than done. I decided my list would go - spouse, kids, home, work, friends .... No sooner had I set this, when my younger son fell ill and of course the priorities shifted. So what do I do ?
After spending a great deal of thought on the way I do things, I realised I have a problem with boundaries. My work generally flowed over to my home life since I work from home a lot. It was hard for me to stop when I still had emails to be answered or someone was IM-ing me or a call came in. As time went and I became more and more conscious about how I was making my home a second place, I made conscious efforts to change. I am getting better though not quite there yet. I try my best to get off my chair in time to make sure dinner can be served by 7:30pm.
I'm still struggling but I do try to stop my typing and train of thoughts to respond to my kids. I try to understand what a bickering between them is about instead of just screaming at them to be quiet and let me finish my work [which I should have put away an hour back]. But I have learnt to appreciate that if I stick to proper time management, I do my work well and I also have time for my family. I get to enjoy my kids' talks and also listen to my husband who shares his views. I am not hardpressed for time trying to get dinner done and getting the kids to bed. I am more relaxed and have time to clean up so when I come down in the morning the next day, the kitchen looks clean and I start the day feeling good :)
Prioritizing is hard work but then nothing worth having ever came easy ;-)
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Winners and Losers
"Each of you is a winner. It doesn't matter if you won or lost the game. You are each a winner". This is and example of the latest trends in child rearing. No matter how badly one does, one is still a winner. How does that train a child for adulthood?
To me each stage in life is beautiful with lessons learned and one step closer to independently making the world a better place. Sometimes when I look at the methods used to teach children, it makes me wonder how are we going to prepare the future generation for a real life. Do you go from "you are a winner" all the time to "there will be times when you fail. Just don't give up". We didn't ever teach them that in the most trainable habit forming years of their life. Are we trying to build up self esteem at the cost of endurance and character.
It is important to build up a child. Look for little things that they do well and praise them. The little things are the world in their eyes. "Wow! look at that move you made" in the middle of the checkers game will build them up more than "you're a winner" when they lost. We need to teach the children that its not always the destination that is enjoyed but every step to it is to be savored.
If we could instill in our future generation a true sense of self worth, they will not constantly need external reassurances of their worth. If we set the example that its ok to fail but to learn and move on, failures will not hold them down. If we set them up to be content and not to look to the others to measure their success but measure it in the terms of what they wanted to achieve, the race will always be to get better. If we teach them that only God is perfect and mistakes are to be forgiven, there will be more peace within and in the world.
To me each stage in life is beautiful with lessons learned and one step closer to independently making the world a better place. Sometimes when I look at the methods used to teach children, it makes me wonder how are we going to prepare the future generation for a real life. Do you go from "you are a winner" all the time to "there will be times when you fail. Just don't give up". We didn't ever teach them that in the most trainable habit forming years of their life. Are we trying to build up self esteem at the cost of endurance and character.
It is important to build up a child. Look for little things that they do well and praise them. The little things are the world in their eyes. "Wow! look at that move you made" in the middle of the checkers game will build them up more than "you're a winner" when they lost. We need to teach the children that its not always the destination that is enjoyed but every step to it is to be savored.
If we could instill in our future generation a true sense of self worth, they will not constantly need external reassurances of their worth. If we set the example that its ok to fail but to learn and move on, failures will not hold them down. If we set them up to be content and not to look to the others to measure their success but measure it in the terms of what they wanted to achieve, the race will always be to get better. If we teach them that only God is perfect and mistakes are to be forgiven, there will be more peace within and in the world.
Being real is fun
Is it because media - internet, tv etc have made information more accessible that we don't know what we want as real anymore? Why are people popping pills to make them feel better ? Today we escape into the made up lives of TV, movies and reality shows. Is that what life is really today?
With these shows continuously in our living rooms and life, what kind of lesson are we teaching our children. The shows are reality shows where the language is mostly coarse and adult humor. The couple of times I have seen snippets, the folks on the show are being berated or behaving with no self respect or doing "whatever it takes" to win. If one cannot love and respect oneself, how will others do that.
This is definitely not the life that will make the world a better place. We are jsut encouraging the media to push the "dare" factor to stupider levels. It used to be, do you dare to sneak out and go for a movie, now it is what coarse language can you get away with, what insults can you hurl... Sounds like banging your head on the wall would be a better idea of a "dare".
I was trying to think how things have changed in my life over time. Growing up in a lower middle class family with not much to spend on extracurricular activities, we "invented" games using stones, sticks and whatever else was there for free. We played outside from the time we got home from school till our parents were screaming at us to get in and do our homework. We celebrated the little success - an A in Maths, a note praising that essay in English, the tones used in the read-aloud. We grew up in a society where praise was not given freely but for well deserved acts. It encouraged us to try to do better. The TV shows were shows that encouraged moral values. They taught the lessons of practical prudence and the importance of education. I still remember the scene in the Bill Cosby show where his son Theo believes he doesn't need an education to live comfortably. His Dad sat him down to do the Math - His Dad gives him an amount of money representing a generous monthly salary for a "regular person". He then takes money out of Theo's hand in amounts representing various costs such as housing, food, clothes, transportation and finally a girlfriend, until there is nothing left. I love the series so I bought the show so my kids could watch it but the snippet I was talking about you could see here -Bill Cosby teaches Theo about money.
Life is not a battle for supremacy. We are social beings. If we take a moment to truly encourage and teach the right values and look for those in others, I'm sure we don't need to be discouraged or depressed. If we learn to enjoy the positive things around us - good manners, healthy debates, respect, I truly believe that life would be better for us and the people around us.
With these shows continuously in our living rooms and life, what kind of lesson are we teaching our children. The shows are reality shows where the language is mostly coarse and adult humor. The couple of times I have seen snippets, the folks on the show are being berated or behaving with no self respect or doing "whatever it takes" to win. If one cannot love and respect oneself, how will others do that.
This is definitely not the life that will make the world a better place. We are jsut encouraging the media to push the "dare" factor to stupider levels. It used to be, do you dare to sneak out and go for a movie, now it is what coarse language can you get away with, what insults can you hurl... Sounds like banging your head on the wall would be a better idea of a "dare".
I was trying to think how things have changed in my life over time. Growing up in a lower middle class family with not much to spend on extracurricular activities, we "invented" games using stones, sticks and whatever else was there for free. We played outside from the time we got home from school till our parents were screaming at us to get in and do our homework. We celebrated the little success - an A in Maths, a note praising that essay in English, the tones used in the read-aloud. We grew up in a society where praise was not given freely but for well deserved acts. It encouraged us to try to do better. The TV shows were shows that encouraged moral values. They taught the lessons of practical prudence and the importance of education. I still remember the scene in the Bill Cosby show where his son Theo believes he doesn't need an education to live comfortably. His Dad sat him down to do the Math - His Dad gives him an amount of money representing a generous monthly salary for a "regular person". He then takes money out of Theo's hand in amounts representing various costs such as housing, food, clothes, transportation and finally a girlfriend, until there is nothing left. I love the series so I bought the show so my kids could watch it but the snippet I was talking about you could see here -Bill Cosby teaches Theo about money.
Life is not a battle for supremacy. We are social beings. If we take a moment to truly encourage and teach the right values and look for those in others, I'm sure we don't need to be discouraged or depressed. If we learn to enjoy the positive things around us - good manners, healthy debates, respect, I truly believe that life would be better for us and the people around us.
Monday, January 21, 2013
"You better be telling the truth"
One of the most common threats made to a child when we are trying to resolve a conflict. We tell our children time and time again about the importance of telling the truth at all times. We don't teach them that there are circumstances when lying is ok.
Its all said and done till our children learn from us and decide that honesty is circumstantial and use it. They hear us saying we should be honest all the time but see us being dishonest in little and big ways - calling in sick when we don't want to go to work, watching pirated videos on the internet, using pens and pencils from work to send to school with the kids, sneaking in to get the free snack/drinks from work on our way to a hike. Of course, we justify our actions - I never fall sick so my sick days go unused. The movie folks cheat on their taxes or for the more savvy, they should make the formats so they are not available so easily for uploads. I work here and don't get paid enough and these are perks and is expected. Well, I work here, those snacks are for me.
Really! I would say another way to look into it would be that one should be glad one doesn't fall sick and be grateful for the health that allows one to work everyday instead of worrying about one's health. If we consciously didn't watch pirated movies, we would be freeing up the smart folks to find solutions to more important issue related to health and improving the economy or cool new things that we haven't heard of yet.
I can't say that I never lie or am the most honest person around but I can say that I try very very hard. I have found that my children are more willing to listen to me when I do as I say, It is true actions speak louder than words. The only person we can control is really only ourselves.
The Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca has said -
Its all said and done till our children learn from us and decide that honesty is circumstantial and use it. They hear us saying we should be honest all the time but see us being dishonest in little and big ways - calling in sick when we don't want to go to work, watching pirated videos on the internet, using pens and pencils from work to send to school with the kids, sneaking in to get the free snack/drinks from work on our way to a hike. Of course, we justify our actions - I never fall sick so my sick days go unused. The movie folks cheat on their taxes or for the more savvy, they should make the formats so they are not available so easily for uploads. I work here and don't get paid enough and these are perks and is expected. Well, I work here, those snacks are for me.
Really! I would say another way to look into it would be that one should be glad one doesn't fall sick and be grateful for the health that allows one to work everyday instead of worrying about one's health. If we consciously didn't watch pirated movies, we would be freeing up the smart folks to find solutions to more important issue related to health and improving the economy or cool new things that we haven't heard of yet.
I can't say that I never lie or am the most honest person around but I can say that I try very very hard. I have found that my children are more willing to listen to me when I do as I say, It is true actions speak louder than words. The only person we can control is really only ourselves.
The Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca has said -
Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The most valuable thing!
I was coaching the my son's First Lego League with a theme of "Senior Solutions". Our team did some research and came up with loneliness being one of the most common issues with seniors today.
It got me thinking about our society in general. We are now extremely nuclear families. Having multiple generations live in the same is close to non existent. Its parents and their kids and if the kids are not out on their own at 18, we consider ourselves failed parents. Depressing I think!
To me it makes more sense that the kids stay with the parents till they get married or have good jobs. They have plenty of time to struggle in their lives. Living in a family where the kids are answerable, teaches them tolerance so when they have to live with their spouses, they are trained in the give and take. As the kids grow older, they know they no longer "have" to be with their parents but their being there teaches them to respect authority and compromise when they don't want to. They learn to work out issues instead of walking away. The stress in the family when the strain for independence starts, shows each member that we all need to work together to keep the family together. I honestly beleive that this helps build relationships and trains people to live with things that can't be changed. I LOVE the serenity prayer and beleive it should be part of everyone's life -
Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If we invest our most valuable possession - time, in the people we love, I don't see why there couldn't be more happiness in the world. After all, who wouldn't like to have someone they know they could call when they were down ? I love that and I hope and pray more people will know that feeling.
It got me thinking about our society in general. We are now extremely nuclear families. Having multiple generations live in the same is close to non existent. Its parents and their kids and if the kids are not out on their own at 18, we consider ourselves failed parents. Depressing I think!
To me it makes more sense that the kids stay with the parents till they get married or have good jobs. They have plenty of time to struggle in their lives. Living in a family where the kids are answerable, teaches them tolerance so when they have to live with their spouses, they are trained in the give and take. As the kids grow older, they know they no longer "have" to be with their parents but their being there teaches them to respect authority and compromise when they don't want to. They learn to work out issues instead of walking away. The stress in the family when the strain for independence starts, shows each member that we all need to work together to keep the family together. I honestly beleive that this helps build relationships and trains people to live with things that can't be changed. I LOVE the serenity prayer and beleive it should be part of everyone's life -
Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If we invest our most valuable possession - time, in the people we love, I don't see why there couldn't be more happiness in the world. After all, who wouldn't like to have someone they know they could call when they were down ? I love that and I hope and pray more people will know that feeling.
Is the language we use really important ?
My older one is in Middle School. It was a sudden hit to me. All of a sudden I am hit with language I could not even tolerate from adults. I remained strict about the language used in the house. In our home we don't have cable nor do we use what is termed as inappropriate language. Now in 7th grade and I still hear outbursts and I don't know what to do. I am stuck with the thought maybe I'm stuck in the head. What should I do.
I thought about the world around me. Inappropriate language and gestures seem to have become the norm. At work, on the street, in the malls, whereever you turn, you hear the same crude language. I thought in my head that maybe I need to change... maybe this is the language of the generation of today and this is what it is going to be.
Just when I resigned myself to this, I was talking to some folks and happened to mention this issue in my family. The reaction of the person I was talking to shocked me. He asked me in very strong words if I had stopped him and told my kid he wouldn't have a finger. This from a person I have seen do all this and use foul language plenty of times. I was taken aback but not shocked. We are bringing up the next generation where they don't know what to expect. They are are told one thing and see us doing just what we told them not to. We are becoming a culture of do as I say and not as I do.
I am still using my "strict way" as my children say. I continue in the hope that respectful conversation will always be in style. If we don't have control on our tongues what can we control.
I thought about the world around me. Inappropriate language and gestures seem to have become the norm. At work, on the street, in the malls, whereever you turn, you hear the same crude language. I thought in my head that maybe I need to change... maybe this is the language of the generation of today and this is what it is going to be.
Just when I resigned myself to this, I was talking to some folks and happened to mention this issue in my family. The reaction of the person I was talking to shocked me. He asked me in very strong words if I had stopped him and told my kid he wouldn't have a finger. This from a person I have seen do all this and use foul language plenty of times. I was taken aback but not shocked. We are bringing up the next generation where they don't know what to expect. They are are told one thing and see us doing just what we told them not to. We are becoming a culture of do as I say and not as I do.
I am still using my "strict way" as my children say. I continue in the hope that respectful conversation will always be in style. If we don't have control on our tongues what can we control.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Gratitude
Entitlement seems to be fast replacing gratitude in society today. We are taught to ask for our rights and snatch it if you don't get it. When we are enjoying our rights and privileges, we often forget that we have it and take it for granted. Our pastor was talking about teaching children to say grace before meals last Sunday. I'm not for starting what I deem as useless traditions but this one seemed to make sense. I complain about gratitude and things being taken for granted and here I was taking the fact that I didn't go hungry for granted.
So I set about trying to right my wrong. It was not going to be as easy as I thought. Saying thank you for the food was logical to me but not so to my children. Here are some of the comments I got on the first day -
S - Why are you starting this new pain before meals ?
Me - we need to be grateful for the meals we have and we are not going hungry like a lot of people.
M [who had been waiting for 2 hours for his food] - Yes. And I am one of them
S - Why do I need to be grateful for food I don't like?
S - Let me skip praying today so I can see how tomorrow is different for me from my brother.
You'd think I was telling them to climb Mount Everest and not say the 2 lines - "Bless us oh Lord and these Thy gifts, that we are about to receive, from Your bounty. We ask this through Christ our Lord".
So after 15 minutes of arguments we started the prayer after which S had a question on whether God was a pirate since bounty in Pirates of the Caribbean was loot.
I digress but you see what I am dealing with in my own home. It made me realise how important it is to take the time to TEACH gratitude. It doesn't seem to come magically like I thought it would. It would be a good idea to count your blessings and actually list it out so you know how lucky you are.
I'm grateful for
So bring a little gratitude in your attitude and experience the joy of feeling content.
So I set about trying to right my wrong. It was not going to be as easy as I thought. Saying thank you for the food was logical to me but not so to my children. Here are some of the comments I got on the first day -
S - Why are you starting this new pain before meals ?
Me - we need to be grateful for the meals we have and we are not going hungry like a lot of people.
M [who had been waiting for 2 hours for his food] - Yes. And I am one of them
S - Why do I need to be grateful for food I don't like?
S - Let me skip praying today so I can see how tomorrow is different for me from my brother.
You'd think I was telling them to climb Mount Everest and not say the 2 lines - "Bless us oh Lord and these Thy gifts, that we are about to receive, from Your bounty. We ask this through Christ our Lord".
So after 15 minutes of arguments we started the prayer after which S had a question on whether God was a pirate since bounty in Pirates of the Caribbean was loot.
I digress but you see what I am dealing with in my own home. It made me realise how important it is to take the time to TEACH gratitude. It doesn't seem to come magically like I thought it would. It would be a good idea to count your blessings and actually list it out so you know how lucky you are.
I'm grateful for
- Food
- Health
- hair on my head [i've been complaining about how it has thinned out ]
- Kids who drive me nuts [that is what gives me ammunition for when they have their own kids]
- Husband who lets me be me
- Home
- Friends
- Job with straightforward colleagues
So bring a little gratitude in your attitude and experience the joy of feeling content.
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