Age

I'm proud to say that I still haven't felt many pangs of crossing over to the "old" side. The world is slowly becoming a place where common sense is being replaced by whatever is making the most noise. I was especially struck when I asked my son to help a lady much older with something and he asked why. I wanted to say that she's much older and needs the help. Knowing what I might hear from him, I said "When you see someone with gray hair help them" and he immediately shot back with "Mom, its rude to call someone old". I didn't know which corner on earth I should go to.

The reality is that we are conditioned by media about always looking and feeling young. We don't want anyone to call us old. Old is no longer a place where you could demand respect for the life you have already lived. It has become a word which means one step closer to the grave. Growing up, getting old was a way to be better respected, it meant you had lived and learned. I've had kids about 5-6 years younger than me call me "Aunty" in the traditional nature of conversations in the culture I am from because I am friends with their parents. This has not bothered me but when a peer has asked me my age and gives a smirk, it bothers me a whole lot more. I often wonder about that. I think it is the influence of my surrounding where "old" is not that great place to be and the fact that I constantly hear "I'm not that old".

Having said all that, I am young at heart. If you ask me what age I feel I'm at, I would say "college" age. I think I am kind of stuck there mentally. My hubby is the kind of person who couldn't care less what people thought of what I do, so that prevents my "maturing" process I think.

All said and done, I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to be young, to look good and feel good. I would personally hate to hang out with anyone who uses age as an excuse to talk about all kinds of aches and pains. I love challenging thoughts and opinions and would rather have a healthy discussion with anyone - young or old. The different perspectives are so interesting.

I love Mark Twain's quote about age and try to love by it -

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

--Mark Twain 

Why Worry ??

The Bible says - Matthew 6:27-29

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.

To me, worry is one of the least useful emotions. It frustrates me no end because I claim to have a lot of faith in God but then seem to be only too happy to worry. How can I say I have faith and worry at the same time. I've noticed that worry doesn't really contribute much. I'd say fear does, but not worry. Fear keeps me safe but I am still trying to figure out what worry helps me with. When I worry, I constantly go over things in my head on what could be and of course the limit to the possibilities are only if I decide to set them. When my child steps out, I worry about the kind of influence the other people have on him. When he says he's not hungry, I worry about the disease that he could end up with because of the lack of some mineral or vitamin which thanks to the internet, I am acutely aware of. When he innocently asks a question about whether you need two parents to have a baby, I wonder who he has been talking to and what he has heard. I read all the road to "success" stories and worry if I'm over protecting or under protecting my child or whether I am encouraging or nagging, all depending on the latest trend of books I am reading. I worry when I lose weight because I wonder if its because of some kind of disease and I worry when I gain because of the disease that could come with being over-weight. If by chance I happen to stay at the same weight I fret over how my "controlled" diet doesn't help and my back problems are going to get worse. 

My rant about worry makes me realize how pointless it is. I wish I could get beyond the worry to just enjoying life. I've tried a lot of things to get beyond the worry part of my thoughts. The one thing that has helped me tremendously is accepting who I am and accepting the people around me for what they are. We are not perfect but for us who try to attain perfectionism and failing to do so and also in our attempt, we try to impose it on others. We need to live and let live. After all worrying doesn't solve anything but the worrier can definitely make the life of people around them miserable.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its 

sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 

― Corrie ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

what do I really want in life

There's no end to the list of things I think I should have - the perfect house, my van needs to have the DVD player in there, my laptop should be as light as a feather, beam technology so I don't have to spend hours at airports and in flights, lots of money so I could not only get the stuff I want but also be able to build homes for the less fortunate, a medical degree to help the poor who can't afford health care.. The list goes on.

Then I look at reality and realize how blessed I am. I have two healthy, loving kids who are fun [though there are times I can wish they were anywhere but next to me], I have a husband who surprisingly really cares about me and has the patience of a saint though I definitely wouldn't call him one, a home which I really like - not perfect but that I like, a van [yes, that is my dream vehicle] that I wish would seal out all the noise from outside, enough money so I don't have to depend on anyone and be able to help at least someone I want.. Well, I don't have a medical degree which I wish I had, but I'm glad I can settle for being an engineer with a job I love :). Not bad. Of all the things I want, I pretty much have it all in some degree, form or the other. In addition I am blessed with awesome friends, fun people I work with and most of all contentment.

So I concluded that the best thing to aim for in life is contentment. After all there will always be someone who will have something better than you but if you are content, you are too busy counting your blessings to worry about that. Of the many lessons I want to teach my children, I hope contentment is something they graduate in with flying colors.

Even though you have ten thousand fields,

you can eat no more than one measure of rice a day.

Even though your dwelling contains a hundred rooms,

you can use but eight feet of space a night.

--Chinese proverb

Being there is important

Its been more than 20 years now since I traveled to attend my cousin's graduation. The cousin I am talking about is more of a brother, someone I hold very dear. Has made me laugh a lot of times when I didn't know how. In fact to this day I always think of him when I get ready to turn off a comedy show because its slobbered in filth in an attempt to make it funny because he is a person who could make me laugh with the silliest of jokes and expressions. That's what I call talent since I used to be a pretty serious person - the kind who always felt there was always something to get done and no time to waste. :)

Coming back to my story, I was out of high school and the prospect of attending this adult function, out of town, in honor of someone I cared so much about was very exciting. I really didn't have much of a clue on what to expect except for what I had seen in movies which was always entertaining. Well, I sat back to enjoy the ceremony when one Professor came up to talk. I though it would never end. A friend of my cousin's offered to show me around and said we would be back at the right time to see the diplomas handed over. That sounded like a great idea. I was glad to escape all the talk and happy to know I'd be there to see the ceremony. I joyfully walked off and went around enjoying the campus.

When I got back, I found out I'd missed the entire ceremony. My Uncle and Aunt were furious. My cousin who graduated was really kind to me and I was miserable. When I say miserable, falling into a pile of dung on my way to a party seemed like heaven. I did all I could to hold back my tears because of course I couldn't cry. I used to be one of those people who thought tears were a sign of weakness. We went out for dinner but to me there was no joy any more. I wished and wished I had never come and then my brother would have never been hurt.

Needless to say, after that day I have never missed anything I went to for a loved one. I'd rather sit through everything than hurt someone I cared about. I come from a culture where we don't say sorry and thank you much. Our actions and demeanor show how we feel. I always prayed that he knew how sorry I felt. I know he forgave me because he let me still do everything that a sister's role needed for his wedding since he didn't have one. It meant a lot to me to be in that place and its one of the occasions I feel most honored.

I would do a lot to take back that mistake of mine. It made me realize how important it is to just be there for the people you love and share the joy with them. Sometimes its not our idea of fun, sometimes it might be for things we don't understand why its so important, but the fact that we were invited should show us that our presence brings the person joy and when we love someone, their joy would bring joy in us.

"Life brings simple pleasures to us every day. It is up to us to make them wonderful memories." 

-- Cathy Allen

Love a behaviour ?

The hardest thing to do I find is to be loving towards someone all the time. From my husband to children to friends, my emotions are on a roller coaster. In my down times I wish I did not have anyone and in my up swings I just thank God for these wonderful people in my life. No matter where I am on that swing, my love doesn't change but my behavior does.
My immediate family always bears the brunt on my mood swings. It is true, there is no place like home to let yourself go and that's what I tend to do. They have seen me at my worst and at my best. They have also seen me in my pretend best where right after I finish yelling at them, someone comes up to the door and I am all smiles. I often amaze myself at my acting abilities. If its someone I like at the door, its not acting any more. I actually like having them there and it really helps me calm down and I am  almost back to my "normal" self when they leave. But unfortunately, the aftermath of my storm still remains.
It is hard to not let go sometimes because I don't want my anger to pent up in me and blow up. Thats my theory at least. I have been trying hard to check myself and it is hard.
So is love a behavior? I would think so. When I look at the way I behave towards different people, its really obvious. When we date someone, we want them to really desire us. We are at our best. We do what pleases them sometimes even at our inconvenience. When we love a friend, we go out of our way to do things for them, talk to them, help them, be around them and try to make things pleasant. The problems arise when we start taking our loved ones for granted and focus our niceties on the things and other people. We are so busy being nice to the person on the street that we sometimes forget that the persons we need to be nicest to, the people around us most of the time are the people we need to focus on more. We are often with our own children while going out of our way to be patient and nice to other kids. Shouldn't we be saving some of that for our own ?
It is great that we put effort in being nice to the people around us but equally important or more so is the effort we put in for our loved ones.
We need to make sure the behavior around the people who love and care about us leave nothing to be desired or one day we might turn around and see ourselves in a sea of superficial people with those who made life meaningful missing.

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” 

Mother Teresa

Abortion

I'm not going to argue if abortion is right or wrong. My quest is in - where did we go wrong.

Today there are a lot of people who are protesting against abortion and equally strong proponents of pro-choice. While I find that both sides have equally strong values/opinions/thoughts, neither side has been able to convince me on what the right side was. While the debate rages in my head, I often wonder why people don't do anything about preventing/controlling the situation.
When you think about it, our culture is changing and fast. In the past getting pregnant before marriage was frowned upon so people were more careful. Marriage was held sacred and children were taught to have strong moral values. My comments are not just based on what I was brought up with and saw growing up but also on the fact that the older TV shows that were popular were family friendly and did encourage those models. Today a sitcom is popular for drama where the language is crude and the shows revolve around lose morals. Married people being unfaithful, reality shows with girls doing anything to win the guy or guys doing anything to get the girl. I was listening to the radio one night and there was a talk show which was about "How to have and affair and not get caught". The worst part of it was the "experts" were talking about how it improves their relationship. I'd say they were experts at ruining relationships. How can one ever be happy in a relationship where there is no trust.
To fight the issue about abortion, shouldn't we start at the root of the problem. Shouldn't we be teaching the teen population about abstinence and encouraging them to enjoy their teen years by hanging out with friends and having fun instead of having no self control and then living a life of regret. Shouldn't we as a society, take it upon ourselves to provide the boundaries that we don't want our teenagers to cross. After all, we hold our child's hands when they have to cross the road, shouldn't we hold their hand as they struggle to find their niche in the world. We need to provide the boundaries which would give them the security they need. Its the teen years that we try to experiment with the boundaries but if there is no boundaries, the testing doesn't stop till its detrimental to them and everyone involved. Lets stop trying to be so understanding that we don't provide guidelines. After all, we teach our children to look both sides before crossing the street then why not take the time to talk to them about life as they cross into adulthood.

“Because after you've crossed some lines, you just keep crossing them.” 

― Chuck Palahnuik

The Company you keep

All my childhood I remember my parents being very particular about the kids I hung out with. They constantly monitored and watched what I was doing with my friends and also watched my friends. There was only one way to describe how I felt - FURIOUS! How dare they told me what to do and whom to hang out with!

Now as a mother of 2 children, I do exactly the same thing. Its a fine line between discrimination and making sure you are around people who will not influence you in the wrong way. I pray always that God will grant me the wisdom to be fair and understanding and also to keep my children away from bad influence. Its a tough job for sure.

So why is company so important. I was listening to one of those talks [I think it was Dale Sutherland] and he was talking about how when he was working 16 hrs as a policeman and hanging out with folks who measured or showed toughness by being rough and angry, he found that he had started behaving in the same way - not at work but also around his own family. I reflected on the changes that my husband and I have gone through over the years. When we married, apart from the core values we cherished we were East and West. I was impatient and always on the go and a perfectionist. He was patient, laid back and didn't particularly care that the paper on the table was not parallel to the edge. As you can imagine, there were a lot of things that we didn't agree about and me being more vocal gave my voice box plenty of exercise. 

As time passed, I found that we both were moving in nature towards each other. Of course over the years I had seen the value of how important my husband's take on life was to maintain sanity in our house even though I didn't want to acknowledge it. As he became more vocal, I was becoming calmer. He's no where near how I used to be but I do appreciate that he is speaking up. We hope to meet in the middle or a little more towards his side on some things and towards mine in other things. The important thing I learnt was that the more time you spent with someone, the more you influence or get influenced. 

I do believe that God has given us instincts to know where we would fit in and be comfortable. The problems usually arise when we ignore those instincts in our bid to fit in. We probably do that because our need to be accepted is so great that we are willing to give up some of our values for it. 

Company, I believe should be a symbiotic relationship where each benefits from the other's positive attributes. If that is not happening, its better to break free and look elsewhere before we change our values. After all the only thing that a person can call his own is his values.

"You can not change the people around you, but you can change the people that you choose to be around."